Mess toward Glory

2018

Everything hit the fan, and I mean everything.

Let me back up, in 2017 my husband and I moved 2,000 miles across the country with our 100+lb puppy and our six month old little girl. We were excited to return to Nashville after being away. I missed my people and safeness of familiarity. Having a child brought that so close to the surface. My longing became increased by the struggle of becoming a mom. I went from laboring the whole time in my home with a midwife to having a hard pivot with our daughter being breach and have an emergency c-section. It was traumatic to say the least. I wasn’t prepared for it. Before we moved back, it also became deeply apparent to me that I wasn’t just exhausted and overwhelmed, I was drowning in postpartum depression and anxiety.

We move back and began to settle into our new life. I returned to practicing conversational prayer with God with more intention and regularity. It was beautiful and exhausting learning how to exist in both realms, the physical and the spiritual, to learn how to listen and hear the voice of God. It was a radical shift, and that shift changed my life forever. I’d heard the recommendation to sit down with God around the start of a new year. In December I sat down with God and asked if he had a word for the year, and I got it “provide.” What I didn’t expect was when God proceeded to tell me what he was going to provide for me and my family, in great detail-housing, money, a son, even his name. It was laid out before me, God’s plan. It sounded totally beautiful, and I was wildly curious about what it would be like. I was perpetually trying to figure out how he was going to provide what he’d promised. It wasn’t within our capacity, so anything he promised he’d have to do. I thought it would be prosperous if I’m honest. I thought it would be peaceful. Well, none of the circumstances were like what I envisioned or imagined.

2018 came and,

We found out I was pregnant with our son right after our daughter turned one.

My husband, our bread winner, lost his job and was intentionally betrayed by his boss in the process.

We had to scramble for new insurance, and a new OB, after we were dropped without warning four weeks before I was due.

Our finances were in shambles.

We had to live on my parents generosity, for which we continue to be profoundly grateful.

There’s more, but these begin to paint a picture of what life was like.

There was death all around me, physical, relational, financial, emotional. You name it, everything felt like it was on fire. It was a revealing time for me. I felt utterly exposed and desperate. Everything I used to numb, self-soothe it was gone, stripped away until all I felt I had left was God and my family. Nothing was certain, everything was up in the air. I was terrified, hurt, and angry. One day I lost it, I had a royal hissy fit at God, and afterward I felt so embarrassed. I acted like my toddler, honestly worse. I apologized to God definitely from a posture of shame and fear, but I heard him say, “It is developmentally appropriate for where you are in your spiritual life.” I stopped in my tracks. Developmentally appropriate? That’s a thing in spiritual life too? Having a degree in psychology and being a young mom, I was living childhood development, but what were the implications spiritually for this revelation?

God continued, “Like a child crying to see if a parent will come and provide, you are crying out. I told you these things so you would know I was the one who came through for you, so there would be no doubt as to this provision. You need to know that I will come through for you. You need to know I am who I say I am, and I will do what I say I will do. I don’t just expect you to leap, you need to know I will catch you. You are building attachment with me, like a little girl jumping off the side of a pool you have to know the arms of your father are there to catch you. You have to leap, but I must catch you otherwise that trust will not form. Building trust requires me to come through for you.”

Never had I ever had anyone explain to me that trust in God was not expected to be intrinsic. He wanted to come through for me, and he wanted to erase any doubt as to who did it. In that moment I also learned that God is emotionally safe. My brokenness and fear were not held against me, nor my lack of faith. It was a relief and an invitation. It wasn’t just safe for me where I was, it would be safe for me to grow too.

And God did provide. He provided beautifully, profoundly. Everything, and I mean everything he promised came to pass, and not in any of the ways I expected. He did provide a home for me and my family. The money we needed was provided, and that October we welcomed our baby boy, who made our little family feel complete. And while the loss of my husband’s job was a source of stress, it created space for our daughter to bond with him on a much deeper level and our son to have a deep connection from the start.

2018 and that season of my life is the inspiration for this blog. I found so many beautiful stories of the glory of God, the restoration and redemption and I rejoiced. But I wanted to hear people’s stories of how God came through, but not so much in the glory that came after the hardship, but in the middle, in the mess. I felt a wild unquenchable loneliness that no one was with me in the struggle. It felt like everyone else had arrived or figured something out or at least had a leg up while I felt like I was drowning. If this feels familiar and maybe a little too close to home, I’m so glad you’re here. Maybe you’re doing great and just want to hear stories about the goodness of God and what I’m learning. No matter why you are here, this blog will be about curiosity and growth; seeking fullness and life only Jesus offers. I am so glad to be doing this with you.

When you follow God it doesn’t stop, the invitation to leap into the unknown is constant. Now our family has been invited by God to leap again. We’ve said yes, we’re seeing God move in mighty ways, and there are still a lot of unknowns. The only constant and surety is God himself. When we said yes, it hit me that this blog can follow us in the messy process of following when we don’t know the outcome. This blog will be an honest space for conversation in the middle of the process and mess of life. I’ll be sharing things that have happened and things I’ve learned along the way the joys and the pain, the successes and failures. I’ll also be sharing things God shares with me, things that have blessed me in hopes it will bless you too.

I’m thrilled for you to join me one this journey. Let’s leap together, being nearer to him and growing more and more in union with him each day. Mess toward glory, the glory only God possesses, and toward the promise of his glory growing within us.